my mouth tastes like poor choices
she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying
but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I was told my cock was a religious experience.
I mean, I would have, but I couldn't come up with a logical reason to bring up oral sex during an orientation.
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
he woke up this morning, drunk as fuck, butt ass naked, and he had left grandmas gun on the counter and doesn't know why.
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
Valentine's Day is now to be known as Tacos and Orgasms Day.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
Randomize
