I just left the house and 2 chicks are in the kitchen making breakfast. Might want to get up.
I'm up, no shirt, and staring at a breakfast casserole. Who are these girls?
My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.
The liquor store guy just accused me of buying alcohol of minors due to how many bottles I got. The guy should be used to this from me.
threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.
My bra is still on the porch...I'm leaving it as a reminder to get my shit together.
If you're ever desperate for a guy's #, ask him to call your lost cell phone so you can find it. Some genius used that on me last night. FML
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
He gave me my financial savings if I invested with him while I was giving him a bj.
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
What's your fascination with fucking to the Lion King Soundtrack?
Randomize
