Bad news is he broke up with me via text message
But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Gina was bawling her eyes out and then she ran into the street and peed. she kept screaming "LOOK WHAT YOUVE DONE TO ME"
i'm not saying you're gay. i'm just saying all my gay friends think you have a great ass.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
While having sex, a German accent isn't sexy.
"The More You Know"
Did we just second hand smoke crack?
I just found peanut butter between my boobs. This was for you.
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
like, there were so many other better not terrible choices you could have made, so i'm honestly baffled that you managed to fuck up that bad
Randomize
