WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..
I came in and I guess my parents didn't hear me. My dad just said "Don't be lazy, RIDE IT." to my mom. Never coming home again.
So what your saying is I can use her desperation to my advantage. Fuck, this must be how pretty girls feel.
Not going to lie: not even the fact I'm wearing men's cargo pants can hide the fact I have an awesome ass.
Let's put a bunch of beers in a backpack and shotgun them in a Red Lobster bathroom
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
He couldn't give me an orgasm, but he did give me a UTI.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
Do u believe in the possibility of big foot?
You high??
Randomize
