I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
All I remember is folk music and a lot of drugs. I am never going "on an adventure" with you again
I'm going to assume that "the army of generous folk dancers" is no longer a goal you are willing to fulfill
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
Thats just a parental red flag. They have been brainwashed. Lets baptize them into the church of PBR
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
JUST DENIED A NEW YEARS KISS BECAUSE HE WAS A COWBOYS FAN.
I came over to get dick...not to watch you vacuum....at 2 AM
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
at this point I think you're judging my taste in men
I swear I'm not
It's okay, I'm judging my taste in men
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Randomize
