Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
i would give spencer pratt a bj just so i could bite his dick off
he'd just find a way to get more famous from being a eunich.
I just put my retainer in and it tastes like weed
enterprise is going to pick me up, im too high for this
I mistook a propane tank for a keg.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick
Its funny that for once I get home and I'm just as high as my parents are.
Well it's official, last night I hooked up with the third girl from the apartment downstairs.
Dude that's a hat trick!
I know, I tossed my hat on the floor as I was walking out.
Just let me take your liver out and beat it with a meat tenderizer for you..
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
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