before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.
How was last night?
She looked like Delta Burke in her fat Designing Women days ... and she just left like 2 minutes ago. Right after breakfast.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
he literaly had industrial grade plastic underneth his blankets
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.
New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.
He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Don't go to sleep yet I need your Mexican roots. Can you come make guacamole
Yeah so then I used the selfie stick his mom gave me to take nudes
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
Omg. I'm living macklemores best life. I have someone's granddads dog, I'm about to have someone's grandmas car. I look incredible.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
Randomize
