How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.
yeah, I said "hi, I'm the creepy old guy at the college bar" and she said that she like mature men, wasn't expecting that line to work
I ended up with a gash in my head from drunken dancing last night. I love life.
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
I found my spirit animal in the shower. It's a sloth/bear that lives in my chest.
she stole my Timberlands and my Sublime shirt and left her heels and bra. this is war
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
If you recall, I made a Zoolander reference almost immediately after you pulled out of me the first time we had sex.
I think drunk me is trying to kill me.
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
Randomize
