you sent me the whole alphabet, one letter a text. it took 15 minutes to read them all
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
I think next time I give head I'm gonna try making the chewbacca noise.
I look forward to it
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