OMG. Drunk.
I'm so glad you fill me in on these things.
Sorry. Must've been trying to twitter.
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.
No, that was before the police came, but after the hooker.
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
Jk. Anyone who everbeers with me is my type.
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I woke up on the couch screaming in pain. I don't know how ended up there or why my foot was double the size. all I know is I'm now in a cast and never drinking tequila again. worst hangover ever.
Randomize
