My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!
you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me
Ask her if said friend is decent looking or a wildabeast. Need to know if I need to top these 8 coronas off with a little tequila.
Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.
I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.
All the alcohol I spilled on myself must have acted as a disinfectant or something. I haven't showered in three days and I still don't have a staph infection from sleeping on the lawn with you.
Dude it started out with let's find some food and ended up with me getting a needle in the face
#1 RULE OF DRINKING: DELETE YOUR EX'S NUMBER FROM YOUR PHONE
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
Randomize
