He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
Ok. So I've woke up in a hospital. New thing to top that.... Waking up and realizing you've been locked inside the bar by urself at 430 am and all the doors are locked by key
You have to start asking people if they're gay before you kiss them..
I wish I could have seen the drive thru woman's face after " May I please have 20 Mcflurrys.....and a large diet coke, I'm trying to watch my weight for bikini season."
That's right. I did.
You are the saddest 25 year old gay man I've ever had the displeasure of knowing.
Is it possible to break your brain with drugs?
And then she sprinted three blocks through live traffic towards McDonalds screaming "THE GOLDEN ARCHES ARE CALLING ME"
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I declared today 'Have a Bloody Mary Naked Day'. Why? Because I'm hungover, thirsty & don't want to bother putting on clothes.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
I've decided that it's a bad thing. But I've also decided that I don't give a fuck.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
