All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.
sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
I'm gonna have to shit in a bar again tonight
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
I just let my boss bend me over his desk and spank me. I think that is some sort of American dream.
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I know it sounds cheesy, but i think both me and her mum know they are "thanks for being so cool about finding nudes of your daughter on the camera" flowers
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
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