i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
Get out here. Doing shots with the delivery guy. Also, the food is here
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
I told my dad my stomach hurt and he bet me ten bucks I couldn't throw up on command. He has no idea what I did last night and I got ten bucks.
You were greeting everyone with " Hi I'm Jess show me your dick" whether they were dudes or not.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
Lol I think I might have been a little aggressive last night there is a blue ass print from your jeans on my wall
I'm so hungover I just peed on my hand and left it, didn't wash... Killin it in 2915
Should probably stop going into the gas station to look for the most normal person to hitch a ride with to drive me to a party
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
i'm gonna crowd surf you onto his dick
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
It's alright. I'm just trying to make her realize you're not good enough for her.
Randomize
