we had sex three times last night.. but now im just wet from him crying on my stomach about how much he misses his ex.. awesome
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
I'm gonna wear that dress that makes me look like a slut. You know, the one your sister got arrested in.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
That is cause you are some weird type of mutant that lives off of Alcohol.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
She's licking the vodka she spilled off the desk
Aaaaand now she's drinking it out of the shot glass like a cat
In any case. I fucked a married couple recently. Know what a straight person would've done there? Been super weirded out by 1/3 of the genitals there, that's what.
Some sorority went “Dick or Treating” at a frat house and now the Halloween parties are canceled
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