I swear to God, I saw my life flash between my legs.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.
It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I feel like a grown up and it scares me so I'm hiding out in the bathroom stall and messaging you
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I am beginning to doubt your commitment to my making poor choices tonight
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