I want to be a jewelry store heckler. "Hey man, is she really worth it"
it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.
Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
when we asked you if you had had anything to drink tonight you looked up from the toilet while cupping the water into your hands and said "this.. just this"
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.
Is this the 6 foot tall blonde I screwed in the bar last weekend?
In the bar?! Very impressive! But keep guessing!
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
We turned his nipples into a drinking game.
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