he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
Interestingly im still mad at you for the time we got high and you tried to hump me.
Lol thats a classic
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.
I'm crying, drinking alone and applying for jobs tonight. I figure the alcohol will lower my job standards.
honestly, i'm just crying in the kitchen naked and eating salsa
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
Want to FaceTime and watch me finish this bagel?
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Drank your wedding present. Sorry
I'm sexting with a 20 year old that has a foot fetish... This is what Sailor Jerry drives me to do.
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
I am so so sorry I bit your butt last night. Twice.
Randomize
