I would have at least made out with you if you were showered.
No, we're smoking outside. We're hot boxing the world.
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.
so finals studying is going well?
Leave it to him to get us kicked out of a bar for hitting on an 80 year old woman. I want to be that wasted one day.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.
You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
it took us a while to figure out sex on a tire swing, buuuuuuuut MISSION ACCOMPLISHED
He offered to teach me how hula hoop in exchange for acid. I took him up on it.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
His dick's name has evolved from Sebastian to Big Daddy to Barbara Streisand to Barbara Walters. I think the transformation is finally complete.
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
Randomize
