M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
This is a mass text. Surprise drug testing at work today. Either I've finally got to fuck my boss or I've got to quit to make this all go away. Please respond with option a or b.
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
No seriously, I don't care if you just sucked God's dick. I have had a better Fat Tuesday than you
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
Can you bring me some underwear? I feel uncomfortable going underwear less at a Remembrance Day ceremony.
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
It's not even noon yet and I just fucked my professor's son in the psych lab..it's gonna be a great day.
So naked ping pong was a mistake... Looks like we were attacked by an octopus.
Randomize
