in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
The guy that just projectile vomited over the balcony is now going down to find the pill he just puked up. He said he wasn't about to waste $15.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
It was worse than that time I did shots of BBQ sauce and pierced my own ear with a thumbtack
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
I'd say tonight was pretty successful. I rode an iron horse naked and sweet talked myself out of an MIC while wearing a bra filled with four loko.
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
this is the second night in a row i've fucked a guy i met on craigslist. and it wasn't even a post for sex. i posted a housing ad. A HOUSING AD
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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