Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.
i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.
I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
He spent the whole night convincing me I wasn't fat, but after we had sex he said "Oh, I see what you mean"
all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck
I don't understand but I fell asleep naked holding a tub of cool whip and a boiled egg
I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
Great news I took pics last night
Warning: most of them are of you peeing while I take selfies
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
I told you when I started the only reason I was gonna coach your kids soccer team was that I could meet all the hot soccer moms. So why are you so mad I slept with your ex?
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
I miss seeing you
i hope for the sake of your safety you were not with your girlfriend while sending texts like that at 3 am
Randomize
