I definitely ripped a mole off of her back in the process
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
You asked me to pick a color between pink and purple, and I said orange; you told me, "okay, that's a truth question". Then you asked if I had ever deep-throated a cupcake...I didn't even know what to say.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
Just sent a dick pic to ur girl. It was accident. Plz mail it to Gena.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
Randomize
