this party is like a fast-foward into the future when im 40 and married with children
i just found an uncooked ramen noodle in my underwear
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
I think I just met the technical qualifications for binge drinking in five minutes
please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.
If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine
you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.
After i finished him. He goes "youre a champion"... Then whispers "forever"
I feel like telling him your vigina was older than him was not a good pick up line.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
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