I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
i wish we had morning classes together so we can spike our coffee.
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.
Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.
Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome
They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
Bring me a cialis. .. I feel like having a super dick today
too bad we didn't bet. my 38-1 tears would have made great lubrication for a blow job.