So how was he last night?
I love that she's always that person who people think it's a good idea to invite her to something. and then she's there and you realize, "nope."
he breathalyzed me before we had sex.
dude i just made a burrito by wrapping 2 packs of scooby snacks with a fruit roll up. im so high
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The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
I dislocated my rib eating pizza. I think I am broken.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt
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I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.
this is the second day in a row.
Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
I just came so hard my vision went blurry. I can only hope one day I'll find a man that can accomplish what my left hand does on a tri-daily basis.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear