So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher
Just found a ramen cup in the stall and all of the showers running with no one in them. WHERE ARE YOU?
4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
You made out with both twins? Ten points to you!
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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