I wanna bring you to show and tell
Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
His second form of ID was an emergency room wristband from an hour ago. What the fuck is going on right now
Haha yeah he had an allergic reaction to the alcohol earlier. He thinks that if he only drinks vodka he will be ok...
She celebrated a negative pregnancy test by going out to Quizno's. I really don't understand her at all.
On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?
Toaster
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.
I'm in the city buying alcohol. I just got warned by a homeless man on the street that I shouldn't look so pretty "in these parts"
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
So far in the last ten minutes I have tried to pour cereal into a plate. Today's gonna be a great day.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Its not something you can force it it just has to happen like a rainbow or pooping
Your shit was massive.
I'm not 100% sure how to respond to that.
If you were in a "who has the massivest shit contest", you'd win by a landslide.
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
