this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Ughh on my way to the bathroom now... literally just puked on myself and cleaned it off with a hot dog bun... I love tailgate
Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico
yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans
The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..
He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...
he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
He has blue eyes of sex and i am powerless against them
Doesn't tell me where my computer chair went but good to know
Can you send me the pic of me puking with a quesadilla on my shoulder
my roommate was being a bitch so I changed my Netflix password on her. 21st century slap in the face ladies and gentleman
I'm slowly starting to accept that you have to be a sociopath to be attracted to me
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
Randomize
