Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
So I thought I was slick leaving his room this morning all incognito. Little did I know I was wearing his football jersey with his name across the back... stilettos & my bra was left behind. never seeing that again
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
all you did was keep googling "what time is it" over and over and over
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.
My god, what have you done?
Looked like a bag of smashed assholes and smelt like a brewery - still got morning sex. Marriage rules sometimes!
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
Tonight I'm getting fucked up for America because Lord knows we need it.
I think I left my thong in your bed. Careful. It has the power to destroy the agitator on a washing machine
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