Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
dinner with the girl I motorboated last semester wasn't as awkward as I thought it would be
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Can I get a "hallelujah" for railing my pastors daughter last night?
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
So I feel like I should have had a going away party for your dick. Complete with balloons and cake. Yeahh that's right. I'm gonna miss it.
I vaguely remember a pregnant lady reaching for my penis. When was I in an elevator?
Can you tell me why Star Wars Burlesque is pulled up on my phone from last night?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
I haven't been drunk for four days and just realized I haven't taken a shit for three. This can't be healthy.
Which part?
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
