I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
He burnt a smiley face into the screen with a cigarette, peed in my tub and then tried to take off his pants. tried...
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
You said you'd make me a thank you card for taking care of your drunk ass. I'll be expecting that monday.
I missed rounds this morning...my senior resident hooked me up to and IV and made me stay in the clinic because he said I didn't look presentable enough to walk around the hospital
I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.
Just broke my no shot rule again.. Made out with a stranger. That's 0 for 3 this month for the record
Randomize
