I have a dream, to one day wake up next to a girl, walk to the washroom and kick her kids toys out of the way. That day has come, yes we can.
HOLY SHIT! Did you see the dick on that Great White Shark?!?!?!
There's people holding up abortion signs everywhere. I guess the people of Florida want you to remember you fucked up on Spring Break.
Oh shit. Easter I forgot. Maybe we should leave the illegal stuff for when Jesus is less present.
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He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I tried to take home a cat on broadway last night. I named him Pinocchio and put my purse down on the sidewalk and tried to put it inside it
Well sort of got busted by a cop while having sex outside, so your call
HOW CAN YOU EXPECT ME TO KEEP YOUR SECRETS IF YOU KEEP ON TELLING ME THEM.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
She calls him the walking dildo to his face. That relationship is already fucked up.
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