i should start naming my morning wood
great idea but wrong number
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?
when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies
That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.
It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.
We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.
I made out with an Italian cab driver. Not cool. Help. Good news he will drive us anywhere we want to go as long as you cook food?!?!?! I want to melt into the pavement.
For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face
My old dealer would be proud of the drug cocktail I just took for my back pain.
Why is there a slipper full of piss in my bedroom?
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
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