Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.
We realized tonight that we have to get advice about guys from you because you're our only straight male friend that neither of us has slept with.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
Idk dude but he said something bout his "dick was gonna be so tan" then he jus jumped out of the car
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
Can rosie odonnell just not be a lesbian? Shes stressing me out, knowing we bat for the same team.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
He told you he loved you. Then you wanted to find a chainsaw to cut his dick off.
Randomize
