I will also inform you that stairs change when you change a house. Those hurt.
the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
I think I'm getting sponsored by the Mexican Drug Cartel for the start of my poker career. It was an interesting night at the bar. One word, Vegas.
I just handed a girl a slice of pizza and she handed me her number. Is this how Vegas hookups normally begin?
Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?
No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
not sure what the chiropractor did but my junk deserves a cape now.
My liver can't handle being unemployed!
I wrote myself a note last night telling me to tell you that you're the best person ever, and asking you not to tell me what I did, I think I'm trusting my drunk judgment on that one.
I just did a bump with my mom so I’d sober up for Black Friday shopping
Randomize
