WTF I just almost got ran over by a fucking cop!!!!!!
LOL you shoulda thrown yourself in front for money. Fucking cops!
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.
just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
do you remember showing me a picture of your husbands penis last night?
yea! the mushroom one. i would only show you.
We got hammered last night and I woke up this morning with texts from 'iron maiden chick.' wtf?
You know darned well I have a well-documented weakness for redheads, Subway and hand-drawn graphic novels.
She sent me a video of herself sitting in the car stone faced listening to the Titanic song on silence. She won't answer my texts.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
Is texting an old booty call with "can you still get your ankles behind your ears?" an appropriate way to reemerge into the singles scene???
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