the new term for farting is butt boxing.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.
There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
In the morning he said my plan to make 2 casseroles today was, "hot in a grandma sort of way," & I didn't think it was weird. THAT'S how hot he was.
I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday
In another note. Thanks for making me get a vibrator. For real.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
You said too many real things and now I need to crawl back inside my protective fort of sarcasm, being an asshole, and sass
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
Randomize
