I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
Dude. Fucked her last night. Fucked her this morning. went downstairs for water. took 18 pack of Coors Light instead and took it back to my gf's. Got a blow job from her. Drinking the beer on my deck now. Best Day ever.
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.
What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
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