My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof
I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"
I almost masterbated to the avatar love scene ha it was so hot
On a positive note, new entry in my phone as 'HOT ASS, DOWN TO FUCK'. idk if its a boy or girl tho.
Update, its a couple
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just watched dragonflies fucking. You can't match that level of geek.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I just figured out how I'm going to tie you to my bed. Hint: I may have to go to the auto parts store before you get here.
Was your wine and cheese snap taken from the toilet?
Would you think less of me if I were eating pizza on the toilet right now?
You're just upset because I have cupcakes and boobs and you don't.
Literally been in their house 5 minutes and I've projectile vomited all over the bathroom wall. The dog licked it up though so I think it's cool.
My butthole is tingling. Must be the grapefruit juice
Randomize
