I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
she's about as cool as a sandpaper handjob.
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
Four times in one night? That Energizer bunny outfit lived up to the hype.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
Eating a chocolate bar and crying over a cobweb. Life is beautiful and I love shrooms.
It looked like Halloween in bed... BECAUSE HE BIT MY PUSSY AND I BLED ALL OVER THE FUCKING PLACE. THEN HE FELL AND BROKE HIS TOE. AND THEN PASSED OUT WHEN HE SAW ALL OF THE BLOOD.
Randomize
