We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
I feel like I got run over by a bus full of inebriated Scotsmen on the way to a soccer riot.
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
I'm actually kind of scared about the prospect of us living together. We're just going to eat pizza and drink wine before retiring to our rooms with vibrators
Nothing has ever been more true. Ever.
Accidentally donated half a joint to Kiwanis with the spare change from my car's ashtray. I hope those kids appreciate it.
THAT HOSPITAL MADE ME REALIZE THAT I'M BISEXUAL
Randomize
