He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.
My mom is wearing Ed Hardy. There aren't words.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
New York City is dangerous when the only bars you go to are the ones that have 'open' in front
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
He kept singing Happy Birthday to himself, yelling at the bouncers for not letting him in, and telling them his "father will hear of this." He was like a drunken Scottish Draco Malfoy.
Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.
Also this just in, I think you could see my sequins underwear that say unwrap me through my leggings all day while I hung out with his family
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
I’m 37 with a career and a home and yesterday my niece set up Snapchat so I can sext with my 22 year old boyfriend/fuck buddy. Yes. Yes I’d say I need help?
Randomize
