You had a beer at 10:30 this morning?
Ya, I didn't have any Tylenol.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".
Woke up with an epic boner today, the kind where you can spin books and shit on it. FYI: don't try spinning an encyclopedia
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics
It's like I'm snorkeling in an ocean of tequila.
I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....
Either your boy toy or the kid who pulled a knife on me in high school is here
First time at a gay bar. I found a surrogate AND sperm donor! The surrogate is straight, so it evens out.
I wish I were single again so I could actually have sex.
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
