i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...
Can we have fireworks this year or will the ocean explode?
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...
Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.
Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.
And that's the fourth pair of yoga pants with unwashable stains from you.
The "don't have sex with him again" alerts you set on my phone just started going off.
Good. "Seriously, don't do it" should start in about five minutes.
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
I forced myself to puke in my garbage can, and the next day I bought a new one and burnt the old one. You could say it was a rough night
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
Most people would agree that it IS in fact slutty to give someone head for free ice cream.
The last thing I remember saying was "Tequila for all!!"
If you count the sounds from the room down the hall....that was definitely NOT the last thing that came out of your mouth.
Randomize
