Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
Even water is tasting like jack daniels
alright got my week's quota of sex in, ready for modern warfare 2
As I was buying milk at the market, the lady at the checkstand said, "what? No alcohol today?" have I really earned THAT reputation?
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
Wow. He pulled out his dick and I swear I heard a thud from it hitting the floor.
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Never again. I promise. My old gay body can't handle that much adrenaline twice.
I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania
eta to your mouth 5 minutes
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
there is vomit in the pocket of my dress coat. i remember thinking "this is a weird place to puke" at some point in the evening, but i dont understand how i did this.
Nothing says besties like laying naked in bed hungover arguing over who is getting the pants
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
How’d it go?
I accidentally joined a cult
So not great...
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