So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
She offered to massage my back by hitting it with a sparkly purple double dildo... Bi chicks can get creepy
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
Get in your clown car, pick up everyone you know, and head to the park. drunk Sledding grand prix tonight. winner takes home the leftover beer
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I do NOT want my proposal story to start "...he was peeing on me and then..."
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
i was sitting on the kitchen floor shaking my gallon of vodka at people and asking if they wanted to climb the heaven hill... getting dumped is the best thing that has ever happend to me
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
Nah, we’re just sitting around talking about different kinds of boners
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
i can feel my liver failing just LOOKING at that thing
Randomize
