Four minutes until I can fart!
nutella sex= disaster
do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
Have you ever wondered if we are just made up characters in someone's head? You'll have to forgive me right now I think I have 7 thumbs
They made the paper for stealing gnomes. I fucked a local celebrity.
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
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