i jus pukd everywherw but i took a showr, come cuddle
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.
I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad
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He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
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You're like the Mr. T of my A-team, only less gold jewelry and more pitying of fools.
That's the nicest thing anyone has said to me all day.
I'm pretty sure the girl in the stall next to me is waiting on me to leave so she can poop but I'm doing the same thing so it's like a Mexican standoff
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
Don't do him, he's a Dolphins fan! A FUCKING DOLPHINS FAN!
if by making eggnog you mean drinking all the spiced rum, then yes, she's making eggnog
The weirdest part of it all was wondering if I was going to take off his fanny pack or he was before we fucked
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