Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
you want your laptop back?
are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?
both.
come over.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.
No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens
4:37 am. You're wearing underwear and carpet skates. Borderline crying. You want to punch Morgan. Have not stopped singing Give Your Heart a Break.
I damn near set my vagina on fire. WHILE The Flaming Lips played in the background. Intensely apropos.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Ryan friended me on LinkedIn and it took everything in my power not to endorse him for sexual dysfunction as a skill.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
i told her i loved her afterwards and she said "i know," kissed me, and got up to start making breakfast.
dude, she han solo'd you. keep her.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
She started calling me daddy on the second date and I don't know how to react to that
Randomize
