Puking blue powerade in mcdonalds parking lot to the applause of the guy taking out the trash with man in the mirror blasting in the background. Good morning stl
You taught me that having a dip while u shit is awesome. I appreciate u for that
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
please stop judging me for buying a handle of soco on a thursday at 10am. it was on sale, i'm thinking of my future.
Woke up this morning with seven juice boxes under my pillow and an empty box of condoms In my pocket. Good night.
Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
Last night you found an onion ring in your fries and then you started singing "A Moment like this"
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
The friend zone. He put me in the friend zone. But said he still wants me to suck his dick. I'm in the dick sucking friend zone and I want to die.
I am. I woke up on someone's front lawn dressed as max Payne also be proud.
Just please try not to piss Danny off, I really can't afford to find a new drug dealer again
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
Went to open youtube this morning, and the last search was "ten hours of whale sounds" Best pillow talk ever!
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