Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.
What!?!?! How are you txting?!
Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
Found my little brother jerking off with a condom. he said he was "practicing"
OMG its one we used last night
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
UPDATE: lighting the grill with Bacardi. Haven't slept. Forgot the hamburger buns. Almost out of our eighth handle.
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
Fucking in bar bathrooms doesn't count as "rushing things"
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
LETS THROW SHIT OFF THE PORCH
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I forgot wine drunk hurts
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
Randomize
