getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.
Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
He woke up in the ambulance thinking he was still in the club.
Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.
gay flight attendant. racoons. kegels. bartender with missing teeth. too many birthdays. fucckk.
So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
drinking vodka, listening 2 smh at 530am slow cooking beef stew. you'll enjoy the stew and worry abt me in the morning. bon apatite
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
In the name of friendship, I’m going to kick your children into the ocean.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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