I don't think I can get bothered with getting laid tonight
You love me.
That's because, tragically, I adore whores.
Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life
Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter
If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.
she keeps giving me cups of everbeer.. its everclear and beer mixed. i guess its blackout or backout time
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
I've been called an asshole for a lot of things in my life, but I never thought it would be because of potatoes
I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
