Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(
I just added her as a friend on Facebook. I met her 5 minutes ago and there are already more than 50 pics of me uploaded... from other nights.
We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Note to self: You can't deep fry cheese-its.
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
There are cops on horseback in our back yard
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Only in the emergency room do they shut the door when youre laughing too hard
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Randomize
