see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.
i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.
youre totally missing out on eating your boogers right now. my entire face is numb
So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Just tell your mom you have to go somewhere half naked with a strange man. She'll understand
For only eating leftover pizza for breakfast today, you sure do have a lot to vomit up...
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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