I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
I'll be thirty in eight months. I think my goal is too stop changing my pants in the parking lot at work by then.
I'm proud of all of us. Somehow we all survived another Jägerbomb Tuesday
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
With my son watching me, I pulled down my pants and shit in her trash can.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
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