After 9 shots a girl with a mustache......still not attractive
I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
She asked me why there was $2 in the lunchmeat drawer of the fridge and BBQ sauce all over the kitchen... I'm not sure but I know it has something to do with you
His glasses broke on the way to the bar aNd he ended up talking to this butterface all night. I didn't have the heart to tell him
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.
Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies
I'm so high that hamburger just went up my nose. Mustard BURNS
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
The fact that u had sex with a Disney prince blows my mind, you're my hero.
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
I may have been bent over an elementary school lunch table a few weeks ago. Don't judge.
Randomize
