Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"
His mom just asked me if I was "fooling around with her baby again" and then when I walked downstairs his dad YELLED "Look who's taking the walk of shame!"
You really need to stop fucking dudes who still live with their parents.
after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.
This is getting ridiculous. See/touch her boobs=good day. Not see/not touch her boobs=bad day. I am legitimately depressed over the lack of tits in my hands right now.
MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.
youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
I touched a dick in church today
are you watching the world series?
I've made out with alex bregman... so yes
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
