Nothing is worse than puking naked in front of strangers
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.
Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.
Just stabbed myself in the face trying to lick melted cheese off a kitchen knife.
How am I supposed to stop smoking pot when girl scout cookies are being sold.
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
I can't wait till they start promoting the testiciplasty. Turn those old prunes into fresh tight kiwis!
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
The sex was so good I feel like I could run a triathlon, hit big at the casino, and defeat ISIS.
I'm surronded by jorts. You're probably too drunk to care. I'm gonna cry now. Love you.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Randomize
