Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
we didnt even have break up sex...
you had it for us with someone else...
I think I pulled my groin stumbling back from the bar. That or the hippo I woke up next to.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I need to find another hobby that doesn't include being hungover.
Waking up in a NH rest stop and reading through my texts is definitely a familiar low
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I am never drinking with the goths again.
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
I imagine you as a cat holding your burrito with two paws and cutely eating it
Randomize
