In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure
its 9am. i just got home. spent 6 hours blowing him in a closet last night
she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
thanks for waiting 12 hours to ask if I was in a ditch or not
We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.
What did you cook with whisky?
We started a fire.
Drinks appeared in front of me. Who am I to deny destiny? And by destiny, I mean free drinks, which appear by magic.
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Consider yourself lucky. If I ever run into my ex, all I'll be able to think is, "I let you pee on me and lead me around on a leash."
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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