LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."
I was drunk but it's true
Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question
plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
Well after last night I am convinced he is real life Tyler Durden. He only exists to me and somehow keeps me out of jail this entire time
Asking the homeless man what buss shelter is the warmest was not a good idea
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Never do acid then ask for a blow job while watching 28 Days Later. Heed my advice.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
He looked so uninterested when the stripper was slapping him. Now his roommates are harassing me about how crazy our sex must be.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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