I wish there was a "friends who have gained the most weight since high school" filter on facebook for when I am feeling fat.
I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
Apparently I'm not allowed to call at 3am anymore and ask to speak to all his siblings. I was just trying to get to know the family
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
I think I might get 604 tattooed on my ass tonight...
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
Out of ten? A seven. You pulled your shorts down to your ankles, jumped into the pool and announced you were a merman.
Thanks for letting me cross "getting high at park with children" off my bucket list
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Who is this? I have a text from you last night telling me your name and to train hard for Tuesday, please make this make sense
So drunk last night I reviewed my recent anazon purchase of secret deodorant. Trust me, it was eloquent.
Apparently the girl he banged in the bathroom yelled at him for hitting on me all night. But whatever, he was holding her hand for most of it
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