captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
And on top of all this... he just told me to "chill my nips."
Like many of my risky ideas this has "burned genitals" written all over it
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
I'm watching a man in drag spread food products on his face my life is spiraling out of control.
Too many penises have met your hands. Stop or die.
I seriously doubt this is the first time pumpkin pie has led to a booty call.
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Currently rolling a blunt in the bathroom of Planned Parenthood
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
i made that whipped coffee shit today. took six pouches of instant espresso.
please tell me you didn’t consume six shots of espresso
:)
i can feel colors
Randomize
