How can she be afraid to give you a blowjob? It's not like your penis is going to turn on her and eat her.
The higher i get, the less gay he looks, and the more i want to make out with him. This is dangerous.
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
Kristy will be communicating through my phone. Due to her current blood alcohol level, the laws of Pennsylvania, Erie county, and common decency have deemed that she is no longer permitted to have her own phone.
It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.
We made popcorn last night. So it's both
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
I'm drunk in a field. the chupacobra is going to eat me. if I die serve vodka at my funeral.
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I'm reading 50 shades of grey and masturbating while he's doing insulation downstairs. Maybe I can get him to bring me a sandwich
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
Randomize
