i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
You told me I was special while we were having sex and I asked why.
What did I say?
Don't ask me questions while I have an erection,
The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.
She hadn't heard about the oil spill. She gave dumb blondes a whole new standard to aim for. I did her anyway...but that isn't the point.
She spilled creme de menthe on her crotch and I told her she looked like a menstruating Vulcan (costume idea!). Obviously, I went home alone.
the police told me I had to sign a waiver stating that my car will no longer be used for crime activity.
Tomorrow may or may not be a problem cause i'll be wonder woman for a halloween party aka i'll be fucked up & try & jump off of shit thinking i can fly
That's always how I imagine things at your apartment...
Good, I'm glad you don't have some weird, skewed, clothed version of reality over here.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
Because cocaine and lesbian hookups on a Tuesday cannot be the new normal
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
Drinks have officially taken priority over self-respect, and I'm not even all that torn up about it.
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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