life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
yup put them legs up on your shoulders and eat her like some folgers
eat her like coffee?
she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics
you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
You always know it is going to end badly when a guy asks if he met you at a "coed naked lawn bowling party"
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I burst into tears on the boat this morning because we bumped a duck in the head. I am way too hung over for today
you started looking at my couch laughing and saying to it "she thinks I'm talking to you" then proceeded to laugh and talk to the couch some more.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
Yea... you were given too many get out of jail free cards. God just gave up on you having a healthy and happy vagina.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
high moment I think I just reached personal nirvana
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
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