She kept saying "I didn't do it" but she was so drunk she forgot her pee was orange from her UTI medicine.
I just don't understand how my upright asian catholic roommate is getting more than me.
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
If you two are having sex, stop. I have something really important to ask you about psychics.
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
I just learned how to imitate a trains smokestack. The downside is it makes you look like you ate cocaine. The upside is YOU LOOK LIKE A TRAIN
If I got everything I wanted in the world, I would have been forcing soup down your throat hours ago
Went home last night with a guy in a tutu, didn't know he was wearing a tutu until he threw it at me in the bedroom. God I love Halloween.
Church parking lot, park bench, front porch. I think she's more comfortable going down on me in public. May have found the one.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
What am I supposed to say? "Hey remember last spring when I did an ergonomic assessment on your office, well here's an ergo for your dick."
I just paid a hobo to give me his Santa hat so I can take Christmas nudes. Will send them later, they're fire.
So our night ended with 6 cruisers, a fire truck, and an ambulance. Also, lots of blood. How was yours?
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