haha my mom just sent us out to go to all of the hair cutting places to ask for hair because deer ate all our zuchini.. and we have to pee in a bucket all day cause deer hate urine. please tell me we are normal?
i cant lie to you.
I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.
Cancel that soberness update. I just almost fell down in the security line
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
I just heard a 350 lb guy with a stutter describe getting blood in his eye as he was shanking his cellmate and, more generally, how to survive as a white guy in jail.\n\nYou should really consider going to some AA meetings
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
Batchelotette party success. I woke up on the floor in nothing but a thong, a garter and a shirt that says Just Do Me.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
I have feelings that need drinking.
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
I just traded sex to frolic with a box of husky puppies. Is this rock bottom?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
Randomize
