if i wake up one more time on my porch im gonna start considering myself homeless
You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?
You look me right in the eyes and yelled "By the power of the superglue beer sword, I designate you my driver!" I almost felt honored.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.
YOU WERE HAVING SEX IN THE SAME BED I WAS SLEEPING IN. AND YOU GRABBED MY HAIR. OF COURSE I'M PISSED.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
WEED IS MY SPIRIT ANIMAL
That one probably shouldn't have been in caps
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Just peed off a cliff while playing white snake on my phone. Close enough?
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
After you smoke one night. Just whisper in a barely audible voice, "Grey Poupon"
Sara can't come to the phone right now. She's currently having an in-depth conversation with a flower pot.
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
wtf why is there glitter all over my dog
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