Last night I broke through a door, was hospitialized, arrested, and threw my shoe at a bouncer. This summer is gonna be fuckin sick.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
Then she said I give the best mouth hugs and bar went silent.
The least you could do is send me some gibberish so I know you're alive.
Fuhga
Thank you.
To be honest, waking up to 20 naked people in my house was not the weirdest thing to happen to me in the past 24 hours
I love when my neighbors have passionate, loud sex to remind me that I'm not getting laid
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
